Poor little heart

Another great blogger putting it all out there! Thought I would share as my heart needed this today. Thanks https://illicitvoodoo.wordpress.com/

illicitvoodoo

Dear heart, I’m so sorry for letting you down once again

I apologize for putting other people’s hearts before you

I’m sorry for all the times I allowed you to die because someone walked away

I’m especially sorry for all the times I cursed you and blamed you for my immaturity

My lack of judgement put me in situations where my trust in you was compromised

I’ve put you in the hands of people who had no intentions of caring for you

I’ve traded my body for hopes of being loved in return

I’ve given you so freely to those who haven’t earned your loved

I’ve trusted family and friends until they used you up and sent you back broken

I fell in love three times but no one deserved your strength

I’ve sat in dark rooms and contemplated suicide because I was shattered

I forgotten your significance to my…

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The Advice My Husband Gave Me

Lately I have been feeling a bit… different. So eager to meet my little ones and love on my baby boy; all the while thinking of the kind of woman that I want to be. I initially thought these feelings were a part of my third trimester woes, only to realize that they’re not and that I want more from life – only I couldn’t articulate that in any other way except for frustration and sadness. My husband could sense something was wrong.

You see, sometimes my husband and I give each other these pep-talks. Sprinkle of brutal honesty here, love in the middle, sprinkle of advice and wrap it all up in a bow. Like any other gift, if you choose to use it, amazing. If not – sorry there’s no gift receipt.

I expressed my feelings of failure even with all that I have achieved in my 27 years and my voice began to tremble. I wanted to cry. I have this incredible feeling of guilt because I grew up never being satisfied. Always wanting more for myself and those around me. Yet right now, all alone, all I can think about is how much I feel like I haven’t lived because I’m on a constant journey to find something. Anything. Never truly feeling fulfilled. Here is what he said to me:

“Babe, you’re not wrong or selfish for not feeling satisfied in life and you’re definitely not a failure. You have just been settling into jobs, places and relationships with people that don’t serve you or your best interest. You’re not doing what feeds your spirit or serves your heart. I truly don’t think you’ll feel satisfied until those needs are met. Until then and beyond, I am right behind you.”

My heart fluttered because my husband has been watching. He’s been listening and he has been here. All the while waiting to drop this bit of knowledge on me when I came to him for it – like he saved it for me. I am forever grateful for him and the man he has become.

Long story short, feed your spirit. There is nothing in this world that will make you feel more complete than your true purpose. ❤️

-Ash

Showing Humility

I learned this lesson the hard way at 23 years old. Up until then, this right here, has not always been my strong suit. Don’t get me wrong, I am sincerely grateful for all things in my life (additions and subtraction alike) but because I have been through so much to get to this point, I have to say that I have found it hard navigating my 20’s and actually wanting to ask or accept the help of others. Maybe fear has instilled this in me. Fear of others wanting something in return or throwing all that they have done in my face in the past. There are even those that will claim my successes as their own. So unapologetically, I have and show pride in all things that I have accomplished on my own. I’m not the pushy, rub it in your face type, but I certainly cannot stand to be downplayed. But I digress.

I say all of this to say that it took a seriously sad turn of events to occur back to back for me to feel painful regret and also very happy moments that left me with no one to share my joy with that would even express an ounce of happiness with me to realize who I was becoming.

My fear of asking for help left me lonely, stressed and scrambling to piece things together, and even more prideful to get it done on my own. So caught up in my ways, I confused that last one with determination; only I was not doing things for me. I was doing them for others to see I didn’t need them to do it with me.

Yeah, no.

Truth is, showing humility in asking for help is most certainly NOT showing others that you are incapable. It is NOT a sign of weakness and it is NOT a for sure sign of failure. Anyone helping you and making you feel that way, should probably learn humility in helping. I am not advising you beg for things you do not need or engage in toxic relationships that expect nothing more of you than to be that person. However, I would not become too engulfed in flames and go searching to your left and right when it may be too late for anyone to help you. Just food for thought.

-Ash

Twin pregnancy update!!

Hey everyone! It’s been a few days and yep, I’m still hella pregnant with twins and the exhausted, working mommy of a now 2 year old. Bed rest starts next week and I have to admit my excitement is through the roof!

Doc Update: I am currently 29 weeks and 2 days but my belly is measuring 40 weeks and 2days. Considering I went into labor with my son at 36 weeks and delivered a healthy baby boy, you can imagine the strain my body is feeling as I have absolutely no clue what is like to be 40 weeks with one baby – forget about two.

They are growing healthy and a week ahead of schedule. Baby A (my baby girl) is still head down and ready for the gates to open lol and Baby B (my baby boy) is transverse providing constant head buts into the right side of my rib  cage. Nonetheless, my excitement is building and I still cannot believe my body is capable of something so damn amazing!

Docs are already trying scare tactics into getting an epidural or scheduling a c-section. Not that I am against any of these or mommies that choose or do not have a choice to utilize these methods but I love the idea of life taking its course and not really knowing my children’s birthdays until I think I’ve peed my pants and it’s time to hit the hospital. If medically necessary I will take the safest route possible but for now, I am going in guns blazing!

Cravings: SEAFOOD! SEAFOOD! AND MORE SEAFOOD. Outside of that, I have bee ravenous over simple salads with lots of greens and basic Italian dressing. Heavy food is just not exciting me anymore lol

My mood: Everything is just about squared away except for you know, the petty downsides of being a military wife. My husband may just miss the birth of the twins because he’s away at the moment, family will be here but not for a little bit (and I highly doubt the twins are going to wait for the day they purchase their plane tickets to arrive). I’m slightly losing my mind trying to figure out where my Gabriel will go as we were stationed here before but don’t quite live as close to old friends as we used to.

What I am doing to combat stress: I am keeping a positive head though! I am on a path of bringing more positivity into my life so I have been focusing on things that are important to ME, taking time for myself and family, writing and showing gratitude for all things. I have also been unplugging more during the weekdays, eating lighter, and reading more. It has definitely been working! Everything will work out for the greatest and highest good of everyone involved. Trusting in the universe! Thanks for reading.

-Ash

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink

For as long as I could remember, I have been a healer. The one everyone comes to when they need help, guidance or just someone to listen until they feel better. I try my hardest to be there, primarily knowing how grateful I would feel for someone to be there for me in my time of need and it makes me feel amazing. However, lately, understandably being the empath that I am, I have found that this task has brought on a lot more stress and anxiety than it has comfort from the ones I care about and knowing that they are okay. My opinions, advice and even my listening ear is constantly being met with opposition, a dry phone, company that is constantly “too busy” to hang out or blank stares from those losing interest in the opinion that they so eagerly wanted me to share.

I was starting to feel pretty bad. Was my advice shitty? Was I leading my friends/family in the wrong direction? Was what I had to share too raw? Was it too sugar coated? Perhaps I just needed a damn nap after taking on all that had been dumped on me and drained my spirit. Or maybe it was the idea that I had reiterated the same things over and over to the same people only for them to return with an expanded issue off of ignoring the initial advice I had given. Hey, no judgement here, you live and you learn at your own pace. I just love being there in anyway that I can.

I say all of this to say, if your like me and want everyone happy and squared away, don’t be upset or even blame yourself for the choices they make in their lives. Share your words, give what you feel is sufficient enough without giving all of you and if your advice is ignored, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. It’s important to set boundaries and understand what is bringing toxicity in your life. Everyone else’s problems are not yours. Thanks for reading!

-Ash

My Miscarriage Story: 7 Miscarriages & 3 Beautiful Babies Later…

Let me start off by saying, I am super graced by all that has been given and taken away from me. Even when I did not realize the importance of the addition and or subtraction in the beginning, I am learning that  those moments of confusion lead to some of the biggest lessons I have learned in my 27 years of life.

In late 2013, I was hit with a positive pregnancy test. Fresh out of undergrad, great entry level job, just got my acceptance letter to start my Boston University graduate program in the spring, a newlywed to my best friend, and now, a baby. My life was going in such a positive direction until 9 weeks into my pregnancy. That was when I was hit with a loss that shattered this “picture perfect” image of my life to-be to pieces. My baby had no heartbeat and I mean the devastation felt like my own heart had been ripped out of my chest.

Through frank conversation with my physician, I learned that these things occur more often than I thought and that nothing was wrong with me, the baby just did not “stick” as they say. I mean, it definitely did not stop me from trying again. Except this time I got a bold positive – in fact, this time and twice more after this I tested in the morning and felt pure happiness in my heart, only to be let down that evening when blood smeared any glimpse of hope I had of becoming a mother.

This is when loss truly started to get to me and break my spirit. Depression sat in, I felt like less of a woman, unworthy of gaining entry into the world of motherhood, lonely and unable to properly explain to my husband or anyone else that could see me closing myself off from the world and the pain I was feeling. I lost connections with friends and family who could not understand and even some that did but felt I should just “get over it”. Right.

I became pregnant 3 more times within the following year and lost all three children before 9 weeks. I changed my diet. Studied herbalism. Worked out more. I got a surgery to make sure I was okay (and I was absolutely fine), I even changed my focus to be a healthier me – mentally, physically and emotionally.

The summer of 2015 is when my life changed. We had just made a huge move across country, decided we would shift our focus and strengthen our new marriage that had been so routinely tested with every trip to the bathroom and a home pregnancy test from Walmart. But this time, this time was different. I got a positive and I refused to become excited. I heard my baby’s heartbeat and held it in my thoughts and memories filed “just in case”. I even had an emotional breakdown in Target when my husband threw pacifiers in the cart as I approached 30 weeks pregnant – still in fear that I wouldn’t meet the little man that kicked at the smell of popcorn every time we entered for something we didn’t need (Target will do that to you). The further along I got into my pregnancy, the more guilt I felt about not being my happy go-lucky self. I continued to go to work everyday like I usually did. I did not take belly progression pictures or even have a baby shower. Instead I awkwardly harbored all of my pregnancy milestones for my husband and I. Pictures, first kicks, appointments, ultrasound pictures and even baby boys name. It sounds lonely but for us, it was everything and for those who could not understand that, well – we simply did not give a damn. I guess the way we saw it was the less negativity placed into our situation by others, the closer we became to each other and our unwavering faith grew. Lo and behold, after 12 hours of crazy, natural labor and a little chord dilemma, I had my very first child on February 11, 2016. One of the very best days of my life.

Like I always say, some days are easier than others but nothing was more eventful than going to the hospital for a “stomach virus” at the end of this summer and finding out that I was expecting twins. 28 weeks later and I am still in shock that my body is doing something so damn awesome and how much this feels like it was meant to be – even when those same fears I have always felt have certainly crept into my mind once or twice. They are growing beautifully. My husband and son are super excited to meet them and I feel amazing knowing that what most people saw as a set back in my life; you know the whole, “three kids, your life is over” bit, is the biggest blessing that no one could ever understand and I am not about to sit around trying to get them to figure out. Each and everyday is a battle with myself but when I think back to all that I have been through, I know that I can make through anything. Even when it all seems like a big storm, the end only reveals itself as being what is best for the greater good of me and my family.

If you are struggling with pregnancy loss and or depression, I understand you and I am here.

-Ash

Transparency Through Writing

I have wanted to begin blogging for a very long time. I mean, I have always wrote down thoughts and such in a notebook and it took a while for me to be in a position to feel comfortable placing some of them onto the internet. However, this week, something just clicked. If I want people to relate, to feel comfortable and whole-heartedly know that they are not alone in a world filled with overwhelming problems and huge life-changing experiences, why not share my own with honesty and transparency? I truly used to filter my writing in fear of being judged. Everything was honest but some of the more gripping details of my experiences I have kept to myself. It is not that I have realized everyone needs to know absolutely every single thing about my life, but I understand some situations are definitely worth sharing to help others. With that being said, I just want all of my current and new followers to know that I appreciate you reading. I appreciate you leaving feedback and I appreciate your continued patience as I navigate my way through being more transparent through my writing.

-Ash