PSA: There are people out here you don’t have to beg people to love you – Part 2: My Story

Before we begin, and you read this post through and through, I would really appreciate you checking out Part 1 here: PSA: There are people out here that you don’t have to beg to love you – Part 1 I promise it’s a great read.

Any who, for the sake of being transparent, I have to admit I have been pretty much transparent my entire life. The really, pretty dark skinned girl that worked her summers away, kept her head down in the books and minded her business flew under the radar for as long as she could. My family didn’t come from money and my mom didn’t push as hard to get me name-brand things, as much as she did for us to have balanced meals every night (I bless her everyday for keeping me humble). I lived by the idea that if I bothered no one, no one would bother me. Cut and dry. Yet, unfortunately for me, starting high school and growing a chest that demanded I be seen, (even under a knock-off valor “Baby Girl” sweater) put me in the sights of some of the most toxic people I ever let into my world; looking to them to love me.

I became this overachieving threat to some which resulted in bullying and a prize to be attained by the boys which resulted in fraudulent friendships/relationships and unwarranted female enemies. You see, I got swept up in the word “love” with my very first boyfriend and the word “sister” with friends that did things so hurtful, you couldn’t even drum up in Lifetime movie specials. But more importantly, I became even more transparent at home, missing my mom among three other children and trying my best to look like I could handle me, on my own.

I started to think love was rides home from my minimum wage job in my boyfriends shiny, blue thunderbird, a few dollars for my boost mobile Nextel minutes (don’t judge me lol) and “payday meals” to the Cheesecake Factory and Friday’s disguised as dates but I was being finessed and manipulated. I dressed different, talked different. I started lying to myself to believe things about me that were not true. I begged my mom for extended curfews to look like I had “freedom” and I watched the girls getting it all and mocked the way they did things to get them. I was finally being seen. Only exception: I wasn’t putting out.

It wasn’t until I was pressured to make a choice between my said boyfriend at the time to give it up or all of the “luxuries” of being with him would stop. That’s when I started thinking, “What in the entire fuck am I doing to myself?” I mean it didn’t stop there. It trickled into my college years and although I’m married to my best friend who witnessed me come and go from such a dark reality and is still one of my biggest advocates to fulfill this unmeasurable love for myself unconditionally – I still find my mental stuck in wanting to be wanted; to be loved.

Being conditioned to something like begging others to love you is crippling. Younger and younger, teenage girls (and boys) are falling into this trap and many of them unfortunately and unconsciously are allowing it to navigate their adulthood until they get out of their own way. While most never really come to terms with it because they don’t love themselves enough to admit that this is what is actually occurring.

I don’t have any “one size fits all” advice because I am learning that things like this push you to figure out what your life needs and my cliché “ah-ha” moments are sometimes awkwardly not the same as others lol but I listened to my gut and I’m starting to trust myself more and more. The warning signs I once ignored, had they been tended to, could have saved me a lot of heartache and surely could have eliminated the doubt that I was and always have been enough.

-Ash