Unspoken thoughts: My fear of raising a daughter

Let’s start with the idea that this fear doesn’t come from the cliché “I know how I was when I was a teenage girl” saga; that unruly behavior written off as teenage, female adolescence that I am almost certain most are expecting to hear. Yes, I am having two babies but I am not nearly as afraid of going from one child to three or even having multiples, as I am about hearing that I am having a baby girl.

I don’t know if it was because of the swarming number of family predictions or the fact that deep down, I knew I just was not “soft” enough to have a girl, I absolutely knew that Gabriel was a boy and when he arrived, I met my best friend.

It has been two awesome years of playing in dirt, repeatedly watching every single Jurassic Park movie on lazy days, roaring at each other until we lose our voices, owning every truck, train, and car in Target and honestly setting the foundation to raise a good man from the little goofball I am dealing with everyday.

This does not go on to say that my daughter will not enjoy all of these things, but I cannot stop thinking about the kind of woman I want to raise; especially without thinking about all that I had to go through to become the woman that I am today – forever learning and still growing. The layers are terrifying and I know how difficult things can be in terms of relationships (friends/boyfriends or girlfriends), competitiveness, insecurities and trying to continuously be who you really* are in a world that is determined to change everything about you.

Being the mother of a beautiful girl has me in fear that she will mirror the work in progress that is me. I know I am not perfect, but I want to raise a good woman. A happy woman. Full of love, happiness, and joy. One that will love herself unconditionally and not seek validation from anyone. One with big dreams and enough confidence not to let anyone allow her to believe they cannot be achieved. One who is giving and kind but has a skin thick enough for a world that is not as generous. I want her to find love, live a full life and hold onto values that make her spirit feel safe and free.

I would love for all of my children to live out these great qualities, just something about baby girl is sitting different – I guess I just know that once they place her and her brother into my arms, this fear won’t diminish but I will truly know that she is not me. I will be able to give her the love and support she needs from me to set the foundation for her to live out the infinite possibilities afforded to her from her very first breath. I mean, I am scared but feel super blessed to be able to bring two new lives in this world. My love for all three of them will shine through in their individual way but the bounds to which that love extends will be all the same. Thanks for reading.

-Ash

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