Losing myself in relationships

Man this is out of control! Trouble in paradise? No. Lost my best friend? Not quite. Super social? Ehh,  not really. Happy? No. Everyone around me is just fine. Yet I find MYSELF slipping away every minute that I try to make sure that everyone else is okay. I have been thinking of a way to write about this without feeling vulnerable but I mean thats what this is right? So here it is. I am completely losing who I am and who I imagined that I would be at this time in my life, completely in, and to my my relationships with others. Maybe it is a sign from the universe that something has to change but one thing for sure is that it does not serve me, nor anyone around me any good for it to happen. 

I have been going through ALOT of different things lately but I think I truly figured out how lost I was when I not only became a perfectionist with everyone around me daily but when I started to worry every single day about things I normally would not. It was sad. I mean I literally was working a job where I would wonder what I was doing everyday to want to wake up and deal with shit scenarios for shit pay and pretending to be functioning on the highest levels of joy and positivity but I was somehow oddly attached to this life I created for show to the point where it was MORE than important that individuals around not only act how I would expect them to but also how see me how I imagined myself. Self sabotage much?

The worrying. My God the worrying is an unbearable trap door with a sign on it that reads “Control” when all it is is fear. I second guess myself constantly wondering “what if” and more often than not I am barely following through with anything because I make myself believe the leap is not worth the risk or that the end of the risk is that possible failure. I’ve slipped into attending to the needs of everyone else before myself and it is eating away at who I am. A martyr to to the relationships I have with others. My “perfect” self. The one that everyone says is going to be okay when she shares her thoughts and feelings; but only after they relieve themselves of theirs by dumping them onto me. Toxic. And yet there I am to answer every text, phone call and knock at the door. Truly, who is to blame for this?

I guess I am just done waking up to that vague sense of being a sellout to my own dreams and desires because I let them fall to the wayside. Done living in this awkward, emotional, grey-area where all I feel is neutral, angry or resentful. So wrapped up in everyone else, I have lost myself. I know that it is going to take some time but I leave it all here in hopes that I am not so far gone that I cannot truly be the spirit that I was meant to be in order to influence the lives of others. 

Thanks for reading.

-Ash

Advertisements