I have postpartum depression, AGAIN.

 I love my babies so much. They are seriously everything. The twins are 7 months old and Gabe is slowly approaching 3 years old in February. Why am I just now losing my shit?!

I am sleeping an average of 2-3 hours a night. Not because babies are crying, but because my thoughts will not stay quiet enough for me to rest. I try everyday to stay ahead of a schedule that gets jolted by surprises daily because my OCD has resurfaced and will not allow me to see anything less than perfect as okay. I am crying during the kids nap times so that they don’t see me. So that they don’t think it’s their fault. I mean, I don’t know who’s at fault. I just know that I feel terrible.

I seriously thought that I was in the clear. Then again, there was so much going on during and immediately after my pregnancy that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel anything but joy for my babies among other things. Yet now that everything is winding down, I am finding a solid routine and trying to focus on myself, the dark clouds are rolling in . I can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep. I keep cleaning the same shit over and over. I literally trust NO ONE and I question everything. I feel like I am eating just because I know that I have to, making excuses not to work out and I feel defeated because this is not supposed to beat me.

But I feel like it has already won.

It’s hard trying to talk to my husband, friends and family about it all because well honestly, I can’t bear to listen to another cliché quote fly out of their mouths about how “everything happens for a reason” or “you’re a fighter” when I can barely explain why I am crying half of the time (reason?) and I barely have any fight left in me (defeated). I am also afraid to admit that I don’t have my shit together even when I fight like hell everyday to look like I do.

I just need a little space. Quiet space; to sleep, shower for longer than 20 minutes and have my mind catch up with my body so that it understands that I exist – if that makes sense.

I will figure it out soon but I just needed to let go of some of what I am feeling. In the meantime, if you’re struggling, take a look at these post below. Love y’all.

-Ash

Depression and Pregnancy

Combating Postpartum Depression: When the Glow is Gone