Whoops! I made a big mistake and opened up far more than I was sure I was comfortable with via conversation. I mean, I have spoken before about becoming more transparent through writing and I felt as if I wanted this to translate better into my real life relationships. Because actual friends were few and far in between throughout my life, I found myself handling most of what life was throwing at me alone.
Guilty. As. Charged.
So as some of you may know, I have been going through it lately. Yet, whenever I am weathering a storm, I find it difficult not to think that I am being challenged to look deeper by some ultimate force in the Universe. So here I am am. Slowing down. Calling myself out on my bullshit and opening up my mind to the thoughts and feelings that I have been trying to cloud with work, children and cute little Snapchat post to keep me busy. With a little introspection, I have found that a large part of my delays in success have come from self sabotage in the form of instant gratification.
Man this is out of control! Trouble in paradise? No. Lost my best friend? Not quite? Super social? Ehh, not really. Happy? No. Everyone around me is just fine. Yet I find MYSELF slipping away every minute that I try to make sure that everyone else is okay. I have been thinking of a way to write about this without feeling vulnerable but I mean thats what this is right? So here it is. I am completely losing who I am and who I imagined that I would be at this time in my life, completely in and to my my relationships with others. Maybe it is a sign from the universe that something has to change but one thing for sure is that it does not serve me nor anyone around me any good for it to happen.
You see, sometimes my husband and I give each other these pep-talks. Sprinkle of brutal honesty here, love in the middle, sprinkle of advice and wrap it all up in a bow. Like any other gift, if you choose to use it, amazing. If not – sorry there’s no gift receipt….
I learned this lesson the hard way at 23 years old. Up until then, this right here, has not always been my strong suit. Don’t get me wrong, I am sincerely grateful for all things in my life (additions and subtraction alike) but because I have been through so much to get to this point, I have to say that I have found it hard navigating my 20’s and actually wanting to ask or accept the help of others. Maybe fear has instilled this in me. Fear of others wanting something in return or throwing all that they have done in my face in the past. There are even those that will claim my successes as their own.
For as long as I could remember, I have been a healer. The one everyone comes to when they need help, guidance or just someone to listen until they feel better. I try my hardest to be there, primarily knowing how grateful I would feel for someone to be there for me in my time of need and it makes me feel amazing. However, lately, understandably being the empath that I am, I have found that this task has brought on a lot more stress and anxiety than it has comfort from the ones I care about and knowing that they are okay.
Let me start off by saying, I am super graced by all that has been given and taken away from me. Even when I did not realize the importance of the addition and or subtraction in the beginning, I am learning that those moments of confusion lead to some of the biggest lessons I have learned in my 27 years of life…