After a long military move and a few weeks off, I finally went back to work this week. Bittersweet because I know how much I enjoy working and miss the constant momentum but I also wish I had more free time to be with my son and husband – not to mention enough time to cook, clean, do laundry, find time for self-care and everything else I didn’t seem to think about all that much when I actually had the time to do it. I have always felt so conflicted when it comes to this topic because I envy the stay at home mom but the common misconceptions that they face are quite the match for mothers like myself who punch the clock daily.
Being mindful on how we treat ourselves not only matters in the external but the internal. Have you ever just stopped and thought, “What in the real f*ck did I just say to myself?” Yeah, those crazy ass remarks about my every move and those sneaky bouts of doubt that come and go made me re-evaluate my way of thinking.
There are still bad days but I find that many of my good ones are dictated by the way that I speak silently to myself and filtering between what I feel, and what’s real.
Being the matriarch in my family has definitely had its ups and downs. From handling the family finances, completing a Master’s Degree and working full time up until the day that I went into labor with my son, to making sure that my husband and I maintain a healthy partnership, love on each other and that he doesn’t lose his head, wallet, combat boots, watch, remote lol you get it… I’ve even heard some say “You’re good. I guess I am just not as domesticated as you, it’s like you were trained to be like this”. Like I am a f*cking cat or something who’s given treats to keep my f*cking home afloat. Rigghhhttttt…
This is a very very important topic to me. I learned at a young age that no one would enjoy my company if I did not. In fact, I was bullied for a large portion of my childhood and teenage years (for reasons I am still a little unsure of today) so being the best company I could keep definitely was not only a sure way in my mind to avoid confrontation with people that hated me and I barely even knew, but a major transition into loving myself and finding out who Ashley is.
By dimming your light, you are not only giving people power over creating who they think you are but you’re hurting yourself whether you know it or not, this people pleasing mentally can only have a negative outcome.
I wrote in a previous post about my excitement of finding out that I was pregnant with my second child and soon after, the negative feelings that ensued after hearing the reactions of others, craving some “me time” from a very demanding 18 month old and a husband who was/is so excited about the news, it literally was annoying theee shit out of me. Oh! and by this time, I had gotten the news that I was having twins. I still feel compelled to defend the fact that I, in no way, shape or form, regret any of my children but crying almost everyday in my first trimester left me with no other explanation except for the fact that I was indeed depressed.
And my 19 month old is thriving through his “terrible twos” phase. Finding out that I am having twins; or let’s back track… finding out that I was pregnant was a nice surprise but two little blessings sent me through a huge surge of excitement. But when I got home, I hit that Google search bar of my phone with phrases like “just found out I am having twins, the fear and anxiety is too much” or “pregnant with twins, how do I deal with going from one to three children?” and even “just found out I am having twins, how do I deal with the not so positive reaction from family/friends”. Yeah, in breaking the news to others, no reaction was created equal.