Whoops! I made a big mistake and opened up far more than I was sure I was comfortable with via conversation. I mean, I have spoken before about becoming more transparent through writing and I felt as if I wanted this to translate better into my real life relationships. Because actual friends were few and far in between throughout my life, I found myself handling most of what life was throwing at me alone.
Guilty. As. Charged.
So as some of you may know, I have been going through it lately. Yet, whenever I am weathering a storm, I find it difficult not to think that I am being challenged to look deeper by some ultimate force in the Universe. So here I am am. Slowing down. Calling myself out on my bullshit and opening up my mind to the thoughts and feelings that I have been trying to cloud with work, children and cute little Snapchat post to keep me busy. With a little introspection, I have found that a large part of my delays in success have come from self sabotage in the form of instant gratification.
You see, sometimes my husband and I give each other these pep-talks. Sprinkle of brutal honesty here, love in the middle, sprinkle of advice and wrap it all up in a bow. Like any other gift, if you choose to use it, amazing. If not – sorry there’s no gift receipt….
I learned this lesson the hard way at 23 years old. Up until then, this right here, has not always been my strong suit. Don’t get me wrong, I am sincerely grateful for all things in my life (additions and subtraction alike) but because I have been through so much to get to this point, I have to say that I have found it hard navigating my 20’s and actually wanting to ask or accept the help of others. Maybe fear has instilled this in me. Fear of others wanting something in return or throwing all that they have done in my face in the past. There are even those that will claim my successes as their own.
For as long as I could remember, I have been a healer. The one everyone comes to when they need help, guidance or just someone to listen until they feel better. I try my hardest to be there, primarily knowing how grateful I would feel for someone to be there for me in my time of need and it makes me feel amazing. However, lately, understandably being the empath that I am, I have found that this task has brought on a lot more stress and anxiety than it has comfort from the ones I care about and knowing that they are okay.
No, it has nothing to do with being embarrassed about my husbands job or the idea most people have that everything behind the uniform is classified. But it definitely has a lot to do with the fact that it is not my job and I DO NOT wear the uniform. But before everyone gets the wrong idea about this post, let me explain…
As most are aware, I have not written anything for a while. I mean during these last couple of months, there have been plenty of ups and downs in my life but these things have set the stage for me to live more for myself and ultimately chase my dreams no matter what stands in my way. In all honesty, I felt a little awkward at first. You know, because you are so excited trying to pursue things no one would expect of you but I was excited to share with friends, family and even my husband. Little did I know, the unenthusiastic and mostly questionable responses that came from those I care about most knocked me into a world of discouragement and depression…