Whoops! I made a big mistake and opened up far more than I was sure I was comfortable with via conversation. I mean, I have spoken before about becoming more transparent through writing and I felt as if I wanted this to translate better into my real life relationships. Because actual friends were few and far in between throughout my life, I found myself handling most of what life was throwing at me alone.
Guilty. As. Charged.
So as some of you may know, I have been going through it lately. Yet, whenever I am weathering a storm, I find it difficult not to think that I am being challenged to look deeper by some ultimate force in the Universe. So here I am am. Slowing down. Calling myself out on my bullshit and opening up my mind to the thoughts and feelings that I have been trying to cloud with work, children and cute little Snapchat post to keep me busy. With a little introspection, I have found that a large part of my delays in success have come from self sabotage in the form of instant gratification.
Man this is out of control! Trouble in paradise? No. Lost my best friend? Not quite? Super social? Ehh, not really. Happy? No. Everyone around me is just fine. Yet I find MYSELF slipping away every minute that I try to make sure that everyone else is okay. I have been thinking of a way to write about this without feeling vulnerable but I mean thats what this is right? So here it is. I am completely losing who I am and who I imagined that I would be at this time in my life, completely in and to my my relationships with others. Maybe it is a sign from the universe that something has to change but one thing for sure is that it does not serve me nor anyone around me any good for it to happen.
So here I am! Two months post partum with the twins. They are amazing! My toddler is adjusting so well but I have to admit, not everyday is sunshine and rainbows. I haven’t had to deal with the postpartum monkey jumping on my back like I did with Gabriel but I think I owe that to being a lot more conscious of my thoughts and where I let them take me. You know, that defining moment where you can make the distinction between what you feel and whats real.
As most are aware, I have not written anything for a while. I mean during these last couple of months, there have been plenty of ups and downs in my life but these things have set the stage for me to live more for myself and ultimately chase my dreams no matter what stands in my way. In all honesty, I felt a little awkward at first. You know, because you are so excited trying to pursue things no one would expect of you but I was excited to share with friends, family and even my husband. Little did I know, the unenthusiastic and mostly questionable responses that came from those I care about most knocked me into a world of discouragement and depression…
Before we begin, and you read this post through and through, I would really appreciate you checking out Part 1 here: PSA: There are people out here that you don’t have to beg to love you – Part 1 I promise it’s a great read.
It’s here! 2018, live and in full effect. Since my short “hiatus”, I have been able to do some serious introspection.