Whoops! I made a big mistake and opened up far more than I was sure I was comfortable with via conversation. I mean, I have spoken before about becoming more transparent through writing and I felt as if I wanted this to translate better into my real life relationships. Because actual friends were few and far in between throughout my life, I found myself handling most of what life was throwing at me alone.
Hey everyone! So let’s get straight to it. We are halfway through 2018 and the 28th year of my life is quickly approaching! Bittersweet because I know 30 is right around the corner but I am totally convinced that those years will be the best years of my life. I mean the 20’s are hella confusing and demanding in more ways than one. Nonetheless, I recently came up with a bucket list for myself to complete before I turn 30 as a way to keep myself happy, keep the same adventurous and curious side of my twenties as I make the transition and to start living instead of wishing. So without further adeu, here is my 30 before 30 bucket list!
Guilty. As. Charged.
So as some of you may know, I have been going through it lately. Yet, whenever I am weathering a storm, I find it difficult not to think that I am being challenged to look deeper by some ultimate force in the Universe. So here I am am. Slowing down. Calling myself out on my bullshit and opening up my mind to the thoughts and feelings that I have been trying to cloud with work, children and cute little Snapchat post to keep me busy. With a little introspection, I have found that a large part of my delays in success have come from self sabotage in the form of instant gratification.
Man this is out of control! Trouble in paradise? No. Lost my best friend? Not quite? Super social? Ehh, not really. Happy? No. Everyone around me is just fine. Yet I find MYSELF slipping away every minute that I try to make sure that everyone else is okay. I have been thinking of a way to write about this without feeling vulnerable but I mean thats what this is right? So here it is. I am completely losing who I am and who I imagined that I would be at this time in my life, completely in and to my my relationships with others. Maybe it is a sign from the universe that something has to change but one thing for sure is that it does not serve me nor anyone around me any good for it to happen.
So here I am! Two months post partum with the twins. They are amazing! My toddler is adjusting so well but I have to admit, not everyday is sunshine and rainbows. I haven’t had to deal with the postpartum monkey jumping on my back like I did with Gabriel but I think I owe that to being a lot more conscious of my thoughts and where I let them take me. You know, that defining moment where you can make the distinction between what you feel and whats real.
You see, sometimes my husband and I give each other these pep-talks. Sprinkle of brutal honesty here, love in the middle, sprinkle of advice and wrap it all up in a bow. Like any other gift, if you choose to use it, amazing. If not – sorry there’s no gift receipt….
I learned this lesson the hard way at 23 years old. Up until then, this right here, has not always been my strong suit. Don’t get me wrong, I am sincerely grateful for all things in my life (additions and subtraction alike) but because I have been through so much to get to this point, I have to say that I have found it hard navigating my 20’s and actually wanting to ask or accept the help of others. Maybe fear has instilled this in me. Fear of others wanting something in return or throwing all that they have done in my face in the past. There are even those that will claim my successes as their own.